Houston plans to keep Major Applewhite hostage until Texas approves Big 12 invite for Coogs

via Houston Athletics

Several members of the University of Houston administration have confirmed recently to CardiacCoogs that part of their master plan for the university is to continue holding Texas Longhorn legend Major Applewhite hostage. Coach Applewhite won’t be allowed to return back to Austin to help the putrid Longhorns offense until the University of Texas approves Houston’s bid for Big 12 conference membership.

The Longhorns’ offense has struggled mightily so far in 2015 and is currently ranked 110th in the nation. On the contrary, Major Applewhile has led the Houston Cougars to the #4 offense in the country. In need of righting the ship, the Longhorns made a shakeup on their offensive staff after only Week 1 of the 2015 season demoting their two offensive coordinators and promoting receivers coach Jay Norvell to the coordinator position. Cougars insiders were reportedly shocked that a team could hit the panic button so quick, but ultimately not surprised the Longhorns offense would fall apart after Applewhite left Austin.

We’re told that several Texas power brokers behind the scenes demanded the shakeup. Billionaire Texas booster Red McCombs went so far as to call billionaire Houston booster Tilman Fertitta and offered a substantial trade package to bring Coach Applewhite back to Austin. Fertitta politely reminded McCombs that trades don’t happen in college football, but said Applewhite would be released back to Austin in exchange for the Cougars receiving a Big 12 conference invitation. McCombs is reportedly considering the deal but may settle on bringing Mike Tice to Austin if a deal with the Coogs can’t be finalized.

New Houston athletics director Hunter Yurachek has told us this is all part of his ballsy plan to get the Cougars membership in a Power 5 conference. Another part of that plan was to steal several recruits away from the Big 12 to weaken all of the teams and show them how vulnerable they are to a strong Houston program, even if the Coogs remain in the AAC. “We’re going to keep taking their recruits until the Big 12 is forced to offer us membership.” Yuracheck told us. The plan is working as the Coogs are currently ranked higher than Texas, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma state in Rivals.com recruiting rankings for 2016.

Time will tell if stealing recruits away from the Big 12 and holding Coach Applewhite hostage will help Houston’s efforts to secure Big 12 membership, but if the Longhorns continue to struggle on the field they may be forced to act. Also, we wouldn’t put anything past Mr. Yuracheck. This is a guy who, when he was the AD at Coastal Carolina, hired a billionaire Fortune 500 CEO to become his head coach in 2012. Where is Coastal Carolina now? Well, that little school outside of Myrtle Beach is 37-10 under their new coach and just accepted an invitation to jump from the FCS to the FBS and to join the Sun Belt conference. Sometimes you have to get a little creative and swing for the fences if you want to accomplish big things.

[In case there’s any Aggies reading this and need it spelled out for them: This is satire… and a poor attempt at that]

[Don’t worry Longhorns fans: Charlie Strong is one hell of a coach. Be patient, the man knows what he’s doing and you’ll be back on top in no time.]